The extremely advanced Kringle 487x being put on display by a couple of Scrooges. Santa is reportedly having kinipshins. Doctors fear, that at his advanced age, the strain could cause serious health complications. "Santa is no spring chicken," diagnosed Dr. Roger Plinder, head of the Department of Television Medical Personalities at Mt. Sinai hospital. "I can only guess what he is probably going through at this moment. Elevated heart rate certainly. Sleeplessness. Constipation. At some point he could reach the limit of his ability to cope. Add on top of this the consumption of several hundred million cookies and glasses of milk while whizzing about the planet and all in a single evening? The bodies of even mythical characters were not designed to take that kind of punishment. Revelers should prepare themselves for the worst this holiday season."

Sleigh wing commander Colonel Herbie Elfston met with reporters to announce that a highly advanced un-elfed sleigh was lost over Iran recently during a test flight. “We have requested its return,” explained the colonel. “If I were to characterize the response from Iran so far I would say that, unless events unfold in a very different manner than they appear to be at this point,  it is extremely likely that high level Iranian officials will be receiving coal this holiday season.”

Other responses to the crisis have been a bit less diplomatic. “Give the damn thing back you half-baked fruitcakes,” a spokesman for Kris Kringle enterprises, the designer and manufacturer of the robo-sleigh, exclaimed, “Christmas is just two weeks away. Maybe you don’t give a reindeer’s turd how we get it done but we got kids all over the world expecting presents. You don’t want your kids to get anything for Christmas you heartless bastards? Fine. But you go ahead and ruin it for everybody and see if there aren’t serious consequences come Christmas morning.”

Iranian officials have yet to explain why a nation that reveres a man who could have a side job playing Santa in a shopping mall, would want to ruin Christmas for everybody.

North Pole mission control officials have yet to fully explain exactly what the highly advanced toy sleigh was doing over Iran; and how it came to be in the hands of the Iranian military. Insiders connected with the secret sleigh program, speaking on condition of anonymity, and not wishing to be put on the naughty list, have slipped messages to Ship In the Night indicating the program was in response to the growing demand for more and more stuff this time of the year. “We just can’t keep up,” one quickly scribbled note by a tiny hand read. “Help us please.”

Elfin researchers had apparently been developing the drone sleigh to deliver presents around the world in response to the labor crisis. Management had hoped to deploy a number of the drones this season easing the strain on the elfin population and an aging ole St. Nick.

“Looks like those plans are now shot to hell,” commented Daphne Mc’elfrey, package delivery supervisor at UPS (United Present Services), a subsidiary of Klaus Ventures. “From what I hear they tested the thing over Iran figuring if there was a problem, there wouldn’t be a problem. Iranians don’t celebrate Christmas. What would they want with a highly advanced, Christmas present delivery vehicle (CPDV)? And since it’s a primarily Muslim country, not to mention a tightly controlled theocracy, any reports of sitings of the vehicle wouldn’t get out of the country for weeks. Since the Iranians are making up crazy shit all the time: spy squirrels, nuclear programs for completely peaceful purposes, the holocaust never happened, that kind of crazy ass thing, who would believe them anyways?  The drone could fly its test run, return home, and nobody who is eagerly awaiting Santa’s visit, would be the wiser. In the highly unlikely event there was a problem, the Iranians would simply use the return address label carefully and lovingly wrapped and conveniently placed in the control module, and send the drone back to: The North Pole, Care of Santa. How were we supposed to know they would interpret the brightly colored package with a festive ribbon and bow as a national security threat? Apparently they blew the thing up fearing it might go off at any moment. I suppose we shouldn’t have included the toy soldier clock as a gesture of Christmas merriment. The ticking must have given them quite the scare. Next time we’ll stick with digital. Or maybe just include a gift certificate to Amazon.”

The Iranian President describing by which part of the body he feels he holds the whole world.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran is reportedly having his best Christmas ever, a spokesperson for the sometimes rational leader says. “The President could not have received a better present,” explained Senior Vice Minister at the Ministry of On again, Off again, Stability. “It is a Wonderful Life, that’s all the President can say. ‘Yes Arash,’ he said to me just yesterday, ‘there is a Santa Claus. And he has come to our town. Deck the Halls and Jingle those bells.’ It would have taken us years to develop our own sleigh that we could then use to deliver ‘presents’ to the enemies of Iran. Which, I might add, includes just about everyone. Oh yes, we have a very long list of naughty little children. And it’s growing all the time. There is a whole Revolutionary Guard division dedicated to tracking and cataloging their names. We like to think of them as the little elves of the revolution working day and night to ensure our final victory. In the words of your Santa Claus, HO, HO, HO. Merry Christmas.”

Former speaker, and former member of the intellectual elite, Gingrich gives four fingers and a thumb to his rival candidates, Democrats and anybody else that pisses him off.

Republicans continued their frantic search this week for a presidential candidate that does not belong to a heathen sect. The tension is reportedly palpable as the Iowa caucuses and New Hampshire primary quickly approach much like a high-speed commuter train racing from Tokyo to Fuji through a dark moonless Japanese night during rice harvest season when tragically, a traditional rice cart breaks a wheel while crossing the track at an unauthorized location. The only question being will the inevitable crash lead to a derailment of historic proportions or merely disperse the delicious grain to the gathering local wildlife population?

The main focus, an insider in an extreme state of agitation reports, is to find someone, anyone, that appeals to a broad swath of the party and can at least pretend to be a member of a conservative mainline Christian denomination, preferably protestant though the party faithful will take just about anybody, even a Catholic, at this point. “I’m sure Mr. Romney is a very nice man,” remarked Crystal Slandhorn of Steely Iowa. “He’s just not what we around here would call a real Christian. Just because you put Jesus Christ in the official name of your club, doesn’t make you the real deal. And that latter day saint thing? Just who the hell do these people think they are anyways?”

The former Speaker, and former husband of two former wives, describing the attribute that led him to stray from his first and second marriages.

Several candidates have made the attempt at ascending to the front-runner status only to almost immediately crash and burn as Evil Knievel famously did at various points during his illustrious career. “It’s like that Icarus guy,” explained longtime disgruntled party member, Harlan Carlyle.  “They start to get some hot air in their campaign balloons but can’t hold on to the thing.  It ends up shooting round the room making fart sounds till it runs out of steam. In the end you got nothing left but some wrinkly little empty bag that nobody wants. Perry fizzled. Then Cain popped. Now its Gingrich’s turn. And what’s not to like about this guy?  Other than the three wives, the ethics violations, and the long period as a lobbyist.  Not to mention that he’s about as appealing as a prune’s ass. Otherwise, he’s perfect. At least he was till he started spouting perfectly reasonable immigration policy. There’s no way the party faithful will put up with that shit. WTF for Christ’s sake. Gingrich has had more wives than a Mormon. Is it so difficult to find somebody in this party that actually can live up to our ideals? Someone who’s honest, hardworking, moral. And not Mormon. The Democrats are going to have a freakin’ field day with this come general election.”

The former Speaker of the House, and former Southern Baptist, posing as a Mormon in hopes of confusing the electorate.

Democrats are, in fact, reportedly chomping at the bit hoping Gingrich is the candidate of Republican choice. “We want the Grinch,” declared party strategic insider Sarah Roulfson. The only question Americans will have to ask themselves is does the guy have a heart? A brain certainly, but a heart? That’s what Americans want in a candidate. Americans generally, and Republicans specifically, hate brainy guys. Who’s the guy in school that get’s picked on relentlessly. Mr. Smarty pants, that’s who. “Gin-grinch” reeks of smarts. There’s no one more east coast, amoral, Washington insider, intellectual elitist, than this guy. He’s everything Republicans claim to hate.  Now they’re toying with making him their candidate? It’ll be Christmas time for us and the Grinch who lost the election for those guys. I mean come on here. He resigned from Congress under a cloud of ethics charges so he’s a quitter. He lived in France for God’s sake. France we’re talking here. Americans hate France. Its worse than living in Indonesia. He’s a god damn college professor. And a historian. What person in this country do you know that gives a rats ass for history?  Wait till the college coeds start coming forward with the harassment charges. And talk about his faith journey.  First a Southern Baptist and then a Catholic. Does that say waffling flip flopper or doesn’t it?”

Governor Romney responding at a recent debate to the question, "What body part would you say Speaker Gingrich most resembles?"

Gingrich has always been attracted to power, people close the former Speaker, and possibly former adulterer, report. “I took one look at Pope Benedict and knew that that was the man for me,” he has been paraphrased as saying. His deepening religious faith is coincidentally occurring right in time for his run for the Republican nomination. “Elitist, highly educated, folks like myself have been driving religion out of this country for years,” the former Speaker, and presumably former ethics violator, sort of said once. “I, for one, am going to help reverse that trend by publicly decrying my former actions of sin to indicate, with extreme unction, that it is only through increased religiosity that people like myself can be kept from pulling the kind of shit we regularly try to get a way with. And I plan to frequently blame the media for raising my indiscretions. I have been able to get past them and move on. The media should take my example.”

Fun Fact: Governor Romney may have an edge in New Hampshire due to the historical connection of the Mormon church’s first prophet, Joseph Smith to the granite state. Born in Sharon, Vt. Smith’s, now shrine-like birthplace is an easy drive from New Hampshire.

Another Fun Fact: If elected president Governor Romney’s economic program includes the use of seer stones, once used by the now revered Joseph Smith to find buried treasure, to unearth sufficient booty to pay off the national debt.

And the Funnest Fact: It is unclear how the Governor reconciles his Republicanism with the views of former presidential candidate (1844) and church founder, Joseph Smith which include a belief in strong central government organized as a theocratic monarchy. The nation awaits his opinion on these issues, and many others, with bated breath.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel moments before she flipped "das birdie" at the Greek citizenry. "Listen here you little shit of a country. Two thousand years ago you were important. These days you are a boil on the ass of Europe. You have pushed me to the edge. I am about ready to call in the diplomatic surgeons and have you lanced. Are you listening to me? Look at me when I'm talking to you, damn it."

Greeks continued protests this week over an austerity plan agreed to by European leaders designed to deal with the Mediterranean nation’s dire financial situation. A planned referendum to measure support for the plan appears to have been scrapped after markets reacted negatively to the announcement. European leaders weren’t too happy about the vote either. “Achtung Herr Papandreou,” exclaimed German Chancellor Angela Merkel through an interpreter. “Are you out of your grape leaf eating mind? I stayed up all night working on a plan to fix this mess you’ve created and now you pull this? Well listen up, Oedipus. I am certainly not your mother but I am pretty damned pissed and would take great pleasure in poking out your squinty little eyes right about now. We’re trying to save your ass here. Because apparently you don’t have the olive pits to do it yourself. So throw us a freakin’ goat bone why don’t ya?”

Nicholas Andreou, Greek protestor, and fan of Bruce Lee, uses a karate kick against an attacking defender of the peace. Mr. Andreou reports he learned the kick from hours of watching kung fu movies while enjoying his chronic unemployment. Onlookers aid the victim by concurrently applying a classic psychic push to the offending officer.

Greeks reacted angrily to the comments of Chancellor Merkel; and to just about everything else as well, analysts say. “Greece has what we like to call an anger problem.” observed Geoffery Xanthides, Assistant Deputy Counselor for International Psychotherapy based at the European Parliament in Brussels. “Though the country is obviously going through trauma right now, their present response can not be solely explained by their current situation. This is not the first time they have flown off the proverbial handle. It’s been a recurrent theme for Greece. We had hoped accepting Greece into the European Union would have a calming effect. But it appears to have done just the opposite. Their little issue with temper has obviously not resolved itself. It only allowed them to express it through an extreme level of financial incompetence. Entrance into the union was expected to impose a level of responsibility that ideally would lead to greater stability for this often erratic nation. Unfortunately, we did not recognize the signs until it was too late. I can only conclude that what Greece needs is a good spanking. It is my professional opinion that if they are ever to recover, we must treat them as the children they are choosing to remain. Coddling time is over. It’s time for tough love. I just hope they are able to roll up their togas, bend over, and take their punishment like adults.”

One of the many depictions of Zeus, as swan, having carnal relations with a mortal. A surviving papyrus from the Athens Daily Oracle contains a partially complete interview with the God's love interest. Her name is reported as Dayanara but is assumed by anthropologists to have been changed to protect her identity. In one surviving section Ms. Dayanara describes the incident. "How was I to know he was the king of the Gods? I figured he was just telling me that to get into my toga. Well it worked, that's for sure. He sure was cute though. All feathery and soft. And the things he could do with that neck. He really was a God." A 20 year anniversary follow up issue of the Oracle details what became of a number of Zeus' paramours including Ms. Dayanara. Sadly, Ms. Dayanara was relentlessly teased by her neighbors for having what many considered a bizarre attraction to waterfowl. She reportedly spent the rest of her life secluded in the hills outside Athens with only a duck as a companion. The couple had no known descendants. Fun fact: Biologists say it was lucky for the couple that Zeus took form as one of the few bird species that has a penis like member.

Daphne Grenanananides took a break from burning tires to speak to Ship In the Night about the crisis. “Anyone who knows Greek history will understand when I say our troubles are not our fault. It’s the fuckin’ Gods fuckin’ with us once again. Every time there’s some dispute on Olympus, we have to suffer.  Fuckin’ Zeus has probably been chasing after some human booty again and Hera is pissed. You want to know the underlying cause of the financial crisis don’t talk to the fascist bankers, go look for a curiously large swan with a massive woody trying to get laid. You find that and you’ve got the root of the problem. Now pardon me. I really have to get back to my vandalism. I’m kind of on a tight schedule here and I’ve barely smashed any of the windows on this block. Plus I’ve got a car burning at 8. I really don’t know how I’ll ever get it all done. I’ll probably have to stop to ask fuckin’ Perses, Titan fuckin’ God of fuckin’ destruction, for some help. That’s going to set me back another 15 or 20 minutes. Fuck. For fuckin’ Zeus’ sakes you’d think once in a while these good for fuckin’ nothing but fuckin’ Gods would help us out without having to constantly appeal to their fuckin’ over-sized egos. Bastards, every one of them.”

Prime Minister George Papandreou indicating to his fellow Greeks just how much money remains in Greek coffers. "Face it people. We got doodly. Zippo. Nada. Mee-then. Less than zero. The best we can hope for is a volcanic eruption. Europe won't be able to be so pissed at us then. That's my plan anyways. Otherwise I think I'll just quietly leave by the back door now. Good luck getting yourselves out of this one."

Athens community organizer Euripedes Papadopoulos is trying to see the silver lining in this otherwise darkening cloud. “We can solve this problem if we only pull together,” he implored during a recent protest while donning a gas mask to prepare for the next tear gas volley. “I know it’s going to be hard but maybe if we have a bake sale or something, we can pay off these debts. Maybe we could sell a bunch of moussaka. Who doesn’t love moussaka? If everyone brings a dish to the next European summit I bet the union would appreciate a night off from cooking. Why with trying to save our economy I bet they haven’t had time for a good, warm home cooked meal. We throw in some baklava for desert. Maybe a little ouzo. Maybe a lot of ouzo. After that, I’m sure our fellow Europeans will be more sympathetic to our plight. So come on people, it’s only a measly 330 billion euros we owe.  At 10 euros a plate, that’s just 33 billion dinners. With 860 million Europeans we only have to sell 40 dinners to every man, woman and child on the continent. In a month and a half we could have this problem behind us and go back to the way it was. Doesn’t that sound nice? So let’s get cracking people.  We can do this.  We just have to stop burning shit.”

Minister Kent meets with Frosty Air Bear to discuss promotion of the new campaign, "Let Canada freeze your bare ass off." Fun fact: People from northern Canada have no asses.

Environment Canada and International Trade Canada have announced the construction of a pipeline to bring cool arctic air to overheated cities and towns in the US. The plan is the latest in a series of initiatives to sustainably exploit Canada’s natural resources. The hope is to spur economic growth in the low employment northern territories, while continuing the nation’s commitment to reducing its carbon footprint. Minister of the Environment, The Honourable* Peter Kent, met with reporters to announce the plan. (*Canadian spelling)

"That's just the stupidest idea I have ever heard," counters former Minister of the Environment, John Baird. Fun fact: MP Baird looks like this all the time. When he is shouting his mouth covers his entire face.

“If Canada has a lot of anything, it’s cold arctic air. Why not sell it?,” the minister queried. “We have a long tradition of exporting commodities to the world. When the world needs basic stuff, who do they call? 1-800-Canada, that’s who. You want lumber? We got lumber. You want oil, natural gas, minerals. No problem. Need some poutine? Maybe some beaver tails? Just say the word cause we are open 24/7 and we do takeout. Soon you will be able to add a cool blast of arctic air to your shopping list.”

Responding to criticism that the plan might cause irreversible damage to the environment, or even worse, the exceedingly long hockey season, Minister Kent replied, “Look. This is our big chance to make up for the Athabasca tar sands. I, for one, am going to take it. We can sell our oil to the US to power their AC units and pump more CO2 into the atmosphere, or a much better plan, I think we all can agree, is to sell them nice, fresh, 100% natural, cool arctic air. Who could be against a cool breeze on a hot summer day? That is, other than my distinguished liberal, pansy ass, colleagues.”

Prime Minster Harper whips a snowball at an opponent during a particularly heated Parliamentary debate. In case you didn't know, Stephen Harper is Prime Minister of Canada. Remember Canada? Fun fact: Parliamentary debates are generally more lively, and physical, than debates in the US Congress where MPs (Members of Parliament*) regularly suffer tooth loss and chainsaw injuries during budget hearings. *Parliament is like Congress, only harder to spell.

The route of the pipeline is yet to be determined but is generally expected to start in the north and move southwards to the US/Canadian border. There it will cross the border after undergoing a stringent examination by border guards and continue onward into the nation’s heartland. It is expected to branch off to bring its refreshing vapors to the most air conditioning intensive areas of the US. Cities such as Detroit, which can always use a little cooling off, and Chicago, meat packer for the world, are considered the principal initial markets. The more southern, too freakin’ hot for words, cities will be brought on-line as the pipeline penetrates deeper into the nation’s mid section. With the recent heat wave still fresh in the minds of midwesterners, regulatory approval is expected with little opposition from the average citizen.

Air conditioning companies however are reportedly planning to file legal challenges with the World Trade Organization. They complain that, in the words of Chet Whilkson, spokesman for the heating and air conditioning trade group HVAC America, “those socialist fucks in Canada are planning to dump cold, government subsidized, air into the US. This is a clear violation of the North American free trade agreement (NAFTA to its friends).” Echoing the words of one of the more colorful past candidates for the US presidency, Ross Perot, Mr. Whilkson observed. “Build that pipeline and you will feel a great whooshing as American workers get blown by Canada. Sure it may feel good for a while. But when it’s over, all we’ll be left with is a flaccid economy that just wants to doze off.”

Fun facts: Canada is the second largest country by land area and has the ninth largest economy in the world yet most Americans can't point it out on a map. Though its right next door, and the US's biggest trading partner, few Americans can name the Prime Minister, or a team in the Canadian football league. It is unclear how many even know that there is a Canadian Football league. Respected the world around for a strong stable banking system and the lowest debt to GDP ratio in the G8, Canada was somehow recently voted, despite its overabundance of cold areas, one of the least cool places to live. Still it is the home to a number of well-known celebrities thought to be American. At least by Americans. How many can you name?

Premier Jiabao, looking very relaxed, met with reporters to announce his candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. Speaking through an interpreter he emphasized his management experience. "I don't like to brag but I'd say my work in China, a country of 1.2 billion people, is strong evidence of my ability to handle the relatively puny US. It is all about proper motivation and coordination. You probably saw our collective performance at the Olympics that were held in my former capital city, Beijing." he said. "Coordinating the movements of 300 million US citizens will be considerably less difficult. Perhaps no more difficult than the forced migration of millions of my former countrymen to make way for the flooding of three ancient gorges all to provide the power for a glorious future."

Premier Wen Jiabao, formerly of China, has announced his intention to secure the Republican nomination to seek the Presidency of the United States. This makes the powerful Premier the most recent, but not necessarily the wackiest, entrant into the ever expanding Republican field. Aids to Mr. Jiabao have reportedly purchased Chinatowns in several major American cities in order to secure residency for the formerly Chinese born head of state. “I will do whatever it takes to win your support,” the former Premier declared when announcing his candidacy.

The residency issue is expected to be a significant hurdle for the handsome, youthful looking, 69 year old. Mr. Jiabao believes has has sufficient time to develop a strategy for dealing with the problem. “Traditionally we prefer to plan 5 years in advance, “explained the seemingly confident Jiabao. “But since the election is little more than a year away we feel that a strong case can be made for immediate action. Given the size of the US debt, all native born Chinese actually already own part of the US, and are therefore, in our opinion, de facto citizens of the US. We sincerely hope no one has a problem with that.”

In the event this approach does not lead to a favorable conclusion, Team Jiabao will simultaneously work to alter the US Constitution more to the Premier’s liking. “Our experience is that making such a modest change to national foundational principles is a simple matter. It is merely a function of understanding how to make the system work for you.  In my experience ,” the presidential hopeful explained,” such revisions are commonplace.  As we say in my former country of birth, ‘Tuesday’s rice paddy is Wednesday’s noodle.’“

The Premier, having thrown his hat into the presidential ring, is looking forward to wearing a number of new ones while on the campaign trail. He is reportedly eager to sample the many and varied regional versions of that perennial favorite, General Tsao's chicken, at the numerous fine Chinese buffets throughout his soon to be nation of birth.

Republicans have been decidedly mixed in their reaction to Jiabao’s announcement. “That’s not fair,”complained front runner Mitt Romney. “The guy’s got more money than God. I was counting on the overwhelming support of my millions of Mormon brothers and sisters to push me over the top. But for Christ’s sake, if this goes through we’ll be over run no matter how many teams of well dressed young men we are able to deploy between now and the election. I guess Vice President Romney sounds kind of nice too,” he said dejectedly.

Governor Perry is reportedly nervous about encountering the latest candidate in what are likely to be interesting and heated debates. A longtime friend of the Governor, who, not wishing to upset his good friend, or piss off the Chinese due to business interests in the Asian nation, spoke on condition of anonymity. “Rick is worried, no doubt.  What Rick has done in Texas is impressive; keeping the state from suffering the worst of the meltdown. But jumping Jesus, it just can’t compare to what those Chinese have been able to accomplish. Most guys like me, libertarian, laissez faire capitalists, don’t like to think too much about China. Kind of shoots to hell our belief that free markets lead to the greatest economic growth. Sure they’ve opened up and provided leeway and opportunities for their entrepreneurs; but it’s still a centrally controlled economy. Me and my buddies cream in our jeans whenever we see the numbers coming out of China. It’s a freaking miracle over there.”

The Premier makes his first attempt at appealing to religious conservatives. "As God as my witness, I will be President."

Michelle Bachman is reportedly appalled at the thought that a godless, so-called communist, will be running for the highest office in the land. “We have yet to elect a woman President,” she was overheard complaining into a microphone she thought was off. “I thought the Good Lord had shit the bed when Obama was elected. It was a momentary lapse of faith and I have since repented. But if a Chinaman takes the job? I’ll be talking with Mitt to see if his group of heretics has any openings.”

Gathering support from religious conservatives is sure to be one of the Premier’s greatest challenges. Aids to the Premier counter that the Chinese government has long controlled a number of religious groups and knows, in one aid’s words, “how to deal with these people. If we can choose the next Dalai Lama, replacing the leadership of these fractious and annoying groups will be mere child’s play. We look forward to meeting with Mrs. Bachman to further discuss the issue.”

The Jiabao campaign released the above graph to demonstrate the Premier's growing popularity (graph blurry due to Chinese internet filtering technology - Ship in the Night apologizes but is in no way responsible for the poor quality). "The Premier has stood for a number of elections," aids proudly explained. "He has yet to lose even one. What other candidate can boast of such a record? Do you want a winner America? Then Jiabao is your man. We are confident that the American people, once they get to know the Premier, will come to understand and love him as the great leader that he is. "To kick off his campaign the Premier has scheduled a ten city national tour that will include town hall type meetings and appearances on Ellen, Bill O'Reilly, Saturday Night Live, and The Daily Show. The Premier is reportedly very much looking forward to his interview with John Stewart. "We do not permit such irreverence in my former country. For me it will be like learning a new language." Check local listings for show times and dates.

The President extolling the American people to keep their heads above water. Not once during his address did he deny responsibility for the storm. "Pretty fishy," says Dr. Stonkweiller.

A report released today by University of Walla Walla’s Department of Conspiracy Theory has concluded that the Obama administration is the likely cause of the so-called hurricane dubbed Irene that has made quite the mess of much of the east coast. The report cites numerous examples of President Obama, and members of his administration, failing to deny responsibility for the natural disaster. “We have combed all press releases, public appearances, and idle banter of the last 72 hours and are disturbed to find not one reference of plausible deniability for the massive storm,” said Professor Mark Stonkweiller, Chair of the department. The administration knew about this storm days in advance. How could they fail to acknowledge they weren’t behind it if they weren’t, in fact, behind it? What does that say to you?,” an obviously convinced Dr. Stonkweiller exclaimed.

"Can you freaking believe this guy?" Speaker Boehner declared to no one in particular after party members assailed him with overwhelming evidence of the Presidents culpability. Aids later clarified that the speaker does not actually believe the President can cause hurricanes and that the Speaker was merely using the event to win political points with the more unbalanced members of his party.

Speaker of the House John Boehner was quick to seize on the report after being pushed and prodded by some of the more conservative members of his party. “This is an obvious attempt to promote a massive jobs program in states where the President is looking to shore up his base going into next year’s election. It’s a classic attempt to drive up sagging poll numbers by creating a disaster, acting the in-charge leader, and pushing a bunch of spending through Congress while we’re still reeling and all emotional from the event,” he said with tearful eyes. “The President is trying to take advantage of us. Kick us when we’re down. Well it’s not going to work this time. No matter how bad things get, we are not going to approve one penny. Not today. Not tomorrow. No matter how bad the damage. What the flood damaged areas need is a tax cut to spur rebuilding. Not frivolous government spending. Get people the tax incentives they want to buy the things they need: mops, floaties, bikinis or beer, whatever it is. Not what the government tells them they should buy, but what they themselves want. It’s time for the government to get out of people’s way and let them decide for themselves whether to sink or swim.”

Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana describing how the federal government is planning to take funding away from New Orleans and funnel it back to the more liberal east coast states from whence most of it originated. "Just because I am against big government does not mean New Orleans should not be rebuilt with federal tax dollars," the Governor said. "New Orleans is way more special than all those east coast cities and towns put together. Rebuilding Vermont before New Orleans? You have got to be fucking kidding me?"

Though conspiracy theorists in general agree that the President, or someone close to him, caused the storm, analysts differ on the reasons behind it. “There are a number of plausible reasons for the administration to take such a step,” explained Felicia Johnston of the non-partisan think tank, Conspiratorial Foundation. “A jobs program is an obvious goal of the administration. This theory is popular amongst the conspiracy economists in our group. It would have taken an act of God to get such a massive bill through this Congress otherwise. But he may also have only been looking for a way to improve his poll numbers. The political conspiracists are touting this theory. On the other hand some of our colleagues in Louisiana surmise that this is a not so blatant attempt to take funding away from New Orleans to punish Governor Jindal for being such a prick. The Pollyannas in our group however, argue that the President is just providing us with an opportunity to come together as a nation. Good luck with that is my view. Suffice it to say that we have a lot of unanswerable questions that deserve answers. And until we get satisfactory answers to every one of them we will not be satisfied. 100% or nothing. That’s our motto.”

To support the important work of the Conspiratorial Foundation send cash only in a nondescript envelope with no return address to: The Conspiratorial Foundation. PO Box 4397, Waco, Texas. Please wear gloves while preparing the package. As donations are not traceable, they are not tax deductible.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have responded in the negative to accusations that they are somehow responsible for the massive hurricane ripping into the eastern seaboard of the United States. Famine has been actively tweeting that he and his compatriots are in no way linked with the destructive storm. “No one enjoys mayhem and chaos more than we do,” twittered the horsemen responsible for world hunger,” but this one isn’t ours. Frankly we are a little embarrassed somebody else thought of it first. When we find the one behind it you can be sure there will be hell to pay.”

An artist conception of the 'Men of Mayhem' as they are known by close friends. The Four Horsemen have always guarded their privacy well and so no known photographs exist. Ship In the Night was able to contact Pestilence by phone who responded, "Look. We don't do weather. Sure, we do a lot of nasty shit. But weather? You have got to be kidding? Next thing people will be blaming us for plumbing problems and weak internet connections."

War released a statement saying that he and his legions are monitoring the situation closely. “If a war seems a fitting response to the ensuing mess that will almost certainly follow the category I storm than I will be more than happy to oblige. I stand ready to assist in any way I can in broadening and deepening the damage that is likely to occur. However as I am a bit over booked at the moment I really don’t have the time and the energy to give proper attention to the situation. I take great pride in my work and feel professionally bound to give more than a half hearted effort to any undertaking.”

Death could not be reached for comment. Pestilence, Famine, and War however all assured readers, through their various media outlets, that Death is in no way involved. Pestilence was adamant that Death, though appreciating the event aesthetically speaking, was almost certainly otherwise occupied. “We can only be in so many places at once,” Pestilence explained. “We do our best. That’s all anybody can ask.”

An artist's conception of the opening of the Gates of Hell. The photo on which the image is based burst into flames upon exposure to our holy atmosphere. Any resemblance to Dorothy's encounter with the Wizard is purely coincidental.

The nation continues to be held in the hot, sweaty, extremely uncomfortable grip of a heat wave that just won’t seem to quit. Climatologists point, once again, to global warming as the most likely cause. Particularly annoying is the “We told you so” look on their faces as they do their pointing.

Others, such as the well known climate expert and purveyor of hot wind, Rush Limbaugh, counter, “Not so fast you steaming pile of liberal horse manure. My research indicates that the real underlying cause of this heat wave is a major breach in the security system that has thus far, kept hell and its minions at bay. It’s only a matter of time until the temperature is hot enough to alter the planet’s climate. When that happens, the high temperature conditions will make it safe for hell’s invaders. Then we’ll see who told who so.” (Ship In the Night apologizes for the poor grammar of Mr. Limbaugh – Is it really that hard to say whom?)

A team of Hellologists that has been dispatched from the Department of Satanic Studies of the Rush Limbaugh Institute for Knowledge Furtherance is making its way towards the gate. The team hopes to gather data that will eventually lead to the closure of the gate.

Mr. Limbaugh describes, without even breaking a sweat, to a rapt radio audience just how he would handle Satan if the Prince of darkness calls into his show.

Team leader Warren, Hellman, Ruytin addressed the department immediately prior to the team’s departure. “We don’t know if we’ll make it back. It’s pretty darn hot down there. We do this for America. And for Rush. God I love that man. I know that while he watches over us from his luxurious air conditioned sound booth, he will continue to tell the world the truth about so-called global warming. People have called him crazy, unbalanced, a demagogue. Sure he’s all those things but he’s so much more. Rush is one of the only ones who is able to see through this climate change ruse. Like one of the saints of old caught in a state of ecstatic delusion, he can see things we mortals just can’t. My dream is to bring back a sample from the devil himself and vindicate our great leader once and for all.”

While the team makes its way to the crises site, the nation impatiently awaits for a resolution. People everywhere are finding it difficult to cope with the strain. “I sure can’t get any work done,” commented energy analyst Sean Sholpy. “It’s just too freakin’ hot. All I want to do is sit in a pool and write on my blog all day. Don’t have energy for anything else, really. Who does? I wished they’d hurry up and close those gates. I’ve got a butt load of analyzing to get done and now I’m way behind schedule. Good thing Rush is on the job. If we wait for the government to do something we’ll all be little puddles of sweat before it’s over. Damn government can’t do anything right. I don’t know why we even have a government. Just a big waste of my money. Cut the damn taxes that’s what I say. That’ll get those gates closed and drive Satan back into his hole.”

January: Mayan warriors were known to make tea out of their enemies. It was believed that, through this process, they could imbibe the strength and courage of the vanquished. Some scientists surmise that the practice of ingesting the spirits of the losers led to the eventual collapse of the Mayan empire.

A consortium of major calendar publishers announced that they are readying, for imminent release, a 2012 calendar inspired by the ancient Maya.  The consortium hopes their efforts will do no less than save the planet. Designed to meld our love of  adorable kitten photos with the Mayan practice of ritual sacrifice, in a culturally sensitive manner, the calendar, dubbed Kittens of Sacrifice, is due to hit the shelves in time for the 2011 Christmas season.

September: Prospective sacrificicants would battle to the death to determine who would be sacrificed. Anthropologists say this an early example of a Meso-American lose-lose situation.

“We’ve thought long and hard about how we, as the custodians of time recorded, can help to save our world from imminent death and destruction; destruction that is certain to rain down due to the ending of the Mayan calendar,” explained Barbara Ruwert, head of the design team at Simon and Schuster. “Then it occurred to us. We do calendars. We can stop this. Once we realized the continued existence of our species, and so many others, was in our hands we knew we had to put our collective noggins together to find a solution. It wasn’t just enough to simply design a calendar; we had to come up with something that could summon the mystical powers of the Maya. And we wanted it to have kittens. Because everybody loves kittens. They’re so cute. And cuddly. And vulnerable.  It’s got to be a big seller if we are to have any hope of success. Nothing sells better than kittens. It is critical that we get this in to as many hands as possible as soon as possible. Otherwise the magic that we think will save us just won’t work. We’ve put our best people to work on this. Hallmark is developing a set of greeting cards to strengthen our efforts. If we can get this on to t-shirts, lunchboxes, computer wallpaper, we just might have a chance.”

November: Recently deciphered temple hieroglyphs indicate Mayan priests would sedate their more lovable victims. A number of translated accounts include large quantities of oohs and aahs.

April: Attempt at escape most likely occurred in some instances, though was rarely successful. Note the reluctant participant in the fore ground pursued by high priests in ritual garb.

Anthropologists familiar with Mayan culture have lent their support to the effort. Hugh Droble, Director of the Department of Mayan studies at the University of Guatemala’s satellite classroom in Hoboken, NY, is well aware of what’s at stake. “We are facing a global apocalypse of the entire planet. The whole kit and caboodle will go up in smoke- puff, just like that- if we don’t do something. If printing a new edition of the Mayan calendar can avert a planetary catastrophe, then for God’s sake, let’s get off our collective duffs and get to it. Besides I hate cats. Sure kittens are cute. So are baby scorpions. But kittens turn in to cats. And I hate cats. So sacrificing a few to prevent Armageddon is not just a necessity, it’s a pleasure. If this works then I’ve got my Christmas gift list sorted out for the foreseeable future.”

Mr. Swatzentruber asked that we publish his photo only in black and white to best emphasize his traditional side.

Samuel Swatzentruber is preparing his field for the spring planting. It’s been difficult this year as the rains fell long past the date of typical planting. Though he obviously feels the strain his faith and his family keep him going. He and his wife Rebecca have four children: two boys and two girls, with one on the way. In an area where his non Amish neighbors as often as not live in dilapidated trailers with broken families Samuel can easily be judged a successful man. Though he does not openly brag about his accomplishments it is obvious in his gait and his confidence of manner that he knows he has done well. Ask him and he will tell you he has been blessed numerous times over. The Lord has been good to him and his family. His modesty is characteristic of his people.

One of the lovely quilts Rebecca is able to whip off in her spare time. "Not that I'm bragging but I can make a quilt in 45 minutes while putting up jam and slaughtering a chicken for dinner. I bet Esther Mueller can't claim that."

While Samuel works the fields Rebecca raises the children and keeps their simple home clean, comfortable and welcoming. One look at her hands clearly indicates she is no stranger to hard work. To supplement the family income she produces traditional quilts and baskets that are most often sold to non Amish. And when the farming is slow Samuel finds extra income plying his trade as a wood worker producing furniture that most often ends up in non Amish homes and businesses.

"Where do you think our baskets are made? China?" An alleged display of Chinese Amish made goods in a local retail outlet . The owner insists these items were hand-made by US based Amish. Likely story local suppliers say.

“It’s no secret that we have benefited from the wealth of our English neighbors,” Samuel explains. “But sales have been down over the last year or so. Rebecca has sold only half the quilts that normally, by this time of year, she is able to move. Basket sales are similarly off. I had a small contract to make those Amish heaters that are so popular with the non Amish. But I recently received a letter that the company was moving production to China. I didn’t even know we had brethren in China until I received that letter. And apparently it’s not just the heaters. Amish quilts, baskets, furniture, you name it, are now flooding the market we once thought we had locked up. It was my belief that our labor was cheap by American standards. Those Chinese Amish must be working for next to nothing.”

Chinese Amish – Who Knew?

“We certainly didn’t,” explained community elder Moses Klinkenheimer. “Yes there were stories.  Sitting around the wood stove discussing the days events someone would invariably bring up the eoin colfer or lost colony, as we called it. But nobody really believed it existed. It was just a story. Well I guess what was once lost, now is found.”

Reacting to reports of dumping of Chinese Amish made goods on the American market the Obama administration has announced plans to take up the issue with Chinese representatives. "Out cheaping our own cheap labor can not be allowed to stand," remarked Assistant Secretary of Commerce for Amish made imports, Blane Glisdu.

Fleeing persecution in Europe the Amish diaspora was thought to have settled principally in the US and Canada. But Amish lore speaks of a group of followers that apparently disappeared during the migration that brought the ancestors of today’s communities to the new world.  “Some say their elder had a poor sense of direction and headed east instead of the agreed upon west,” explained Amish historian Levi Stalkinweiner. “Others say the group thought they had gotten a good deal on passage to America only to find themselves on a trade caravan to Western China. I suspect there was a falling out at the last minute and so, being Amish, their independent group decided to head out on their own and seek peace elsewhere. Our communities are self-governing so it would not be unusual for one group to just up and leave. But whatever the case, it seems the old story had a layer of truth to it after all.”

Ship In the Night’s research has traced the source of the Sino-Amish goods to the western province of Qinghai. Being far from the seat of power Beijing, closer to European influence and way the hell out in the middle of nowhere, it is understandable that a band of wayward Amish might blend in. “Qinghai has been a melting pot of cultures for millenia so a few Amish would hardly garner a lot of interest among the locals,” explained Sylvia Ulrich of SUNY Heuvelton Department of Diaspora studies. “The recent economic expansion into western China has opened a conduit of goods to flow outside the region that previously did not exist.”

Though obviously different in style one can't help but notice the similar material and attention paid to construction. It's surprising no one noticed the similarities sooner.

“Though we are a little peeved that our brethren are undercutting our prices, we are very excited to make contact with our long-lost fellow plain people,” said elder Eli Wolenbueller. “We look forward to seeing how well these folks have been able to maintain the traditions. Frankly, I wouldn’t expect them to have been able to hold on quite as strongly as we have, they being in China and all, but I’m sure they put up a good effort. We stand ready to help them reinstate any practices they failed to maintain. It’s the Amish way. I for one am keen to hear Chinese spoken with a German accent. That should give us something to talk about around the wood stove.”